did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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