I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
