dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
