I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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