he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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