if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
