I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
