ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
