My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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