my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
