Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
