Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
