mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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