If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
