happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
