been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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