It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i believe in u and ur pee
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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