so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
