didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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