I heard we made out
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
