mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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