What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
