After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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