That's intense
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
