Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
