I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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