how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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