So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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