I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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