I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
