Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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