bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
