I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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