Your face is a jimmy john
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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