i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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