pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
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His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now