i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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