Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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