What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
