On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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