My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
