mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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