why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
