five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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