his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
