I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
