If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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