eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Damn victory sex feels great
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
