like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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