you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
