I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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