it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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