just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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