SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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