why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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