problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
