This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
