actually, I'm a sock model
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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